So You Want To Be In A Rock Band? (Part 2)
Editorial written by PuSSyCaT
So you finally managed to starve yourself for 13 months and get that kick-a$$ electric guitar (with a free case, guitar strap & 10% discount card) youíve been eyeing since you were in Primary 5.
Now you beg your parents to buy you guitar amps so you can keep them (as well as the neighbours) awake at the crack of dawn with the wailing of your new-found obsession.
Your best friend (Din) is your drummer. You discover that your younger sister (Jessie) can play the keyboard pretty well (so keep her in mind just in case). You find some guy (Tommy) from "Pure Rock" who shows up for an audition and is eagerly taken in as Rhythm. Somethingís missing?
You post a message on the internet.
The World Wide Web.
The Wicked Warped Web.
And wait and wait and wait.
You post more messages to 59 different sites - including teen chatrooms, music forums, your old schoolís alumni & even the M.O.M wesbite (you never know). No one replies - except for a 13 year old guy called "NiRvaNa4EvA". Oh, and "SatanicKiller" from Ipoh. You decide that cross-border relations would be a bit inconvenient - especially for weekly jams.
So you just audition Mr NiRvaNa4EvA.
He turns up wearing a Blink 182 t-shirt.
A white bandana.
And red contact lens.
The only song he can play is Nirvanaís "Smells Like Teen Spirit".
He forgets the chords halfway.
He forgot to tune his bass.
He doesnít have a bass.
He used the studioís bass.
He picked up a guitar at first thinking it was a bass.
He takes 15 minutes adjusting the strap.
He hasnít hit puberty yet.
He looks a bit like a girl.
A girl who hasnít hit puberty yet.
He plays "Smells Like Teen Spirit".
You donít smell the teen spirit.
It doesnít sound like Teen Spirit.
It doesnít sound like Nirvana.
You excuse yourself to go to the toilet.
You smoke half a pack in the toilet.
You wash your face, take a deep breath and try not to smash your forehead onto the mirror.
You calmly walk back to the room, take another deep breath, open the door and walk in.
Mr NiRvaNa4EvA is now playing with your guitar.
YOUR PRECIOUS GUITAR WHICH YOU STARVED FOR 13 MONTHS TO SAVE UP FOR??? YOUR BEAUTIFUL GUITAR WHICH YOU HAD BEEN EYEING SINCE YOU WERE IN PRIMARY 5??? YOUR BELOVED GUITAR WHICH CAME WITH THE FREE CASE, STRAP AND 10% DISCOUNT CARD???
You try not to stab Mr NiRvaNa4EvA with Dinís drumstick. You grit your teeth, clench your fists and ask him to put your guitar down before he gets any blood on it. Mr NiRvaNa4EvA tells you to "take a chill pill". You stare at him in disbelief (mostly because you donít believe anyone even uses that phrase anymore).
He unhands your beloved and goes back to the bass. He still forgets the chords halfway. You wonder if Kurt Cobain is doing somersaults and backflips in his grave.
You go home and check your 3 email accounts 3 times, in case anyone replied. No one replied.
You start to email "SatanicKilla".
You delete the email.
You post to another 24 sites - Including the forums at Channel5, MTV, Makansutra, Tanglin Secondary School, Perfect10, your sisterís homepage, Metallica (doesnít hurt to try) & Golden Village.
You call your cousin (Sam).
You ask him if he can play bass.
He tells you for the 96th time that he doesnít.
You persuade him to pick up the bass.
He tells you for the 96th time that he doesnít want to.
You beg him to pick up the bass.
He tells you for the 96th time not to call him anymore.
You wonder if all the bassists in the world have died out.