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Satire

The Chronicles Of The Avant Garde Metallers

Satire written by Siv

Today we are going to bring to you a story of a new wave of a pretty new subgenre that has hit our shores in recent times. We are not talking about gothic rap or melodic death punk but we are talking about, avant garde metal.

Avant garde metal is a genre which was crafted in the late 90s with important bands like Celtic Frost, Emperor and Arctura... I meant Arcturus moving away from their signature genres to create something new and experimental and therefore combining music with abstract art. As a result these bands would go into the mountains before sunrise and walk deep into the forests and sit alongside mother nature as they get inspiration to write their music. And this rather unique artform has now reached Singaporeans.

Speaking from a bed bug infested bench in the middle of Sungei Buloh Nature Park, a 19 yr old guy called Josh (names have been changed to protect the innocent, his real name is Algernon Kong) who is the vocalist from a local avant garde metal band told us that the inspiration comes to him from every form of nature, from the birds singing their mating calls to the earthworms crawling in front of him and even the sound of leaves rustling in the wind. Of course we knew he was talking cock because he was listening to his discman playing some Michael Jackson songs when he was talking to us but we decided not to pursue the matter.

We spoke to another guy who only wanted to be known as Balwant Singh who told us that he just formed a new band playing avant garde metal in the veins of bands like Elysium and Opeth and he said that to truly achieve a dynamic feel to the music, he suggested his bandmates to write their songs and riffs in a secluded place like a park or even a cemetary. He said that his band's new song was truly avant garde as he incorporated a lot of folk instruments like the tabla and sitar and even a guzheng and there was one part of the song where there was a kompang solo. Our reporter started to laugh and almost choked on the glass of milk he was drinking but thankfully he managed to control it and recover fast. Balwant then continued, unfazed by saying that in the interlude to the song where the guitarist does an Opeth style riff where the sitarist will be doing an arpeggio solo on his sitar. He said that this will truly define the meaning of avant garde metal in Singapore and in the World as he gave an evil maniacal laughter... and then stopped when he realised what he was doing and observed our stares of disbelief.

We went back to our expert's analysis as we called Josh... I mean Algernon who told us that to be truly avant garde we should all drop the stereotypes, or in his own words, we should all "bugger off the stereotypes". So anyway he said that wearing black clothes with spikes and leather everywhere was what metal music was about last time. But now with this new wave of avant garde culture, its time to change that... as he showed off his green tank top and pink pants and yellow cap and blue sunglasses. He also added that his band was going to kick the local metal scene in the ass or something like that... with those last words we leave you with the knowledge that these bands are set to create the new wave of singaporean avant garde metal (NWOSAGM).

* Disclaimer: All subjects mentioned in the above article is purely fictional and any resemblance to any person living or dead is pure coincidential.
 
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