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Satire

Pious Mum Wants To Sue Founder Of Metal

Satire written by Siv

A pious and devout catholic lady by the name of Rosetta D' Cruz, 43, is all set to make legal history by becoming the first person in the world to sue someone for actions committed almost 4 decades ago. She wants to sue the bands and musicians who created music which led up to the foundation of metal music which she terribly loathes. Our reporting team managed to get an exclusive interview with her to find out the reasons behind her hatred for the genre.

"It all started when I was in secondary school back then in 1974, my grades were rapidly falling because I could not study. My Dad's gramophone would be blasting records from his favorite bands like Black Sabbath, Led Zeppelin, Deep Purple, Jimi Hendrix and so on, and the guitar noise was so damn irritating it actually turned me nuts. Furthermore I was a regular at my church and I spoke to Father Joshua about it and he told me that my dad was influenced by the devil, hence the devil music in our humble abode. Of course I did not like what was going on so I said 3 Hallelujiahs and burnt some of my Dad's records, he found out about it, got into a rage and left home and never came back." she whimpered.

She then added on by saying that now, 30 years later she's a happily married mother of 2 but her kids, Ryan, 18, and Ronald, 16, are into "Satan's music" just like her dad.

"But this time its worse, the music, or whatever its called is even louder and the vocalist is literally screaming or making this weird throaty noises which gives me goosebumps. And I have caught glimpses of my boys nodding their heads to this music, much like responding to the devil's request of becoming a worse person. Of course I could not tolerate this so I threatened to throw away their CD collection but the ingrates found smarter ways by downloading their songs now. The other day I used their computer to check my e-mail when I saw this program called Winamp on the computer, so I clicked on it and saw a playlist of songs, and the bands had scary names like 'Cradle Of Filth', 'Dark Funeral' and even one with the name 'Nun Slaughter'. It really freaked me out as I thought of my younger sister Roslyn who is a nun. So anyway I decided to try to listen to one track, I think it was called Babylon A.D. and the intro freaked the Jesus out of me. I pulled out the power supply to the computer, and decided that enough was enough, I had to do something about this."

It was then that we understood that she went to seek advice from local law practioners to see if she could win her case. We asked her lawyer, I. Vanasu s/o Sam Mehtal Aydes, who told us discreetly, "I think she's a bit screwed up there, her statement included bands like Led Zepellin, Black Sabbath, Jimi Hendrix... who the hell in their right minds would wanna sue Jimi Hendrix? That guy was god... and he's dead" he scoffed.

We asked her what she thought of her chances with her case if it were to happen, she replied by saying "Of course it will happen, I have to rid the world of all this blasphemy, it is my duty as a child of Christ to bring upon more good than evil in this world. Besides the world is turning very bad with all these influences and it pains my heart to see my kids being one of them on the 'other' side. Anyway my church is having a session this Sunday on how to live better lives, maybe..." It was at this point our reporters decided to go to the toilet to take a piss as it was getting too cold in the room.

That same night while sleeping, our reporter had a dream whereby the Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ came up to him in his dream and issued a statement saying that he does not condemn metal music as it is a form of art, he also thinks Rosetta is a nutcase, but it is not true if our reporter were making this up, so till then, we will keep you updated about the latest news in this case.

* Disclaimer: All subjects mentioned in the above article is purely fictional and any resemblance to any person living or dead is pure coincidential.
 
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