The Tiger And His Death Metal
Satire written by Siv
17 year old, Tiger Kumar is a big built Indian boy residing in Taman Jurong doing his 'O' levels in a neighbourhood school this year. He lives with his family, his mother Mdm Pushpalathumachasamy, 47, and her husband Kurt Raj s/o Cobainsamy, 55. He has a younger sister, 14 who did not want to be named for fear that her boyfriend might get drunk and beat her and the reporter up.
Anyway today, as part of our ongoing efforts to recognise the various kinds of people in our society, we decided to pick Tiger and his family because their neighbours have said such nice wonderful things about them. Said their next door neighbour, Mr Jeckyl Hyde, "Tiger is a very *ahem* boy and a very *ahem* polite and is always smiling *ahem*. I wish that *ahem ahem* would *ahem*..." It was at this point that Mr Jeckyl asked to stop the interview as he was starting to get another asthma attack.
So we went to meet the man himself, Tiger, to ask him to describe himself, his family and his life to us and he went on without any reluctance. "I was born in KK hospital dei, and according to my amma they named me tiger because they were watching a Rajinikanth movie the night before I was born and in that movie, the hero fought off 26 guys on his own and his nickname was Tiger Kumar la. My parents were very impressed so they decided to name me Tiger".
When asked if his classmates made fun of him or whatever, he suddenly broke out into a variety of curse words in Tamil which can't be printed here for obvious reasons and said that his classmate, Muhd Kadir always made fun of him calling him Pussycat Kumar and one day he got very pissed off, he got 6 other guys to beat Kadir up, and up till now Kadir has never gone back to his old ways.
So we asked him what kind of music he listened to and he replied, "Well last time i loved all those Tamil music da because my mum would bring home hundreds of VCDs of Tamil movies and watch them continuously and dei, I loved the song and dance sequences with all the plump hot Indian masala beauties in them but after a few years I got bored of it da and longed for a change, and i just so happened to be walking into HMV about 4 weeks ago with my friend when I glanced upon a CD with a very interesting looking cover of worms crawling out of a woman's naked body. Dei I was shocked because I never expected to see such things. So anyway I read the label and it said "Cannibal Corpse - Worm Infested". Then I got confused because I didn't know which one was the band name and which was the song title and I got into total confusion so I went outside the waiting area and broke into a sad Tamil song in my head and after 2 minutes I realised that this won't do anymore. It was time for a change da. So I went back in, grabbed the CD and bought it, and then went home to listen to it and dei I was shocked da. Firstly, I didn't understand what the hell the guy was singing because his voice sounded like a monster truck, but after a few tracks I suddenly grew into it and I realised I was beginning to like it, so I played it on repeat till my mum came into my room and started nagging at me wondering what the hell was going on."
Tiger's mum then added "It vas wery horrible at first you know? The fella woice was so loud and rough and totally different from the music I listen to on Sun TV. I don't even call that music and I don't approve of my son listening to such rubbish."
Tiger then added that after listening to that album he went online and searched for related bands and listened to their MP3s and realised they mostly sounded the same and he also found out the genre was called death metal, a perfect name as Tiger was fascinated with death especially by a beer bottle. But anyway after that fateful day, Tiger has been a changed boy, wearing ONLY black band T-shirts with weird graphic logos and tight jeans and boots, "It makes me look cool to the girls da" added Tiger.
So now we leave you with the touching story of a newborn rocker whose life changed after listening to just 1 death metal album, we hope you enjoyed our story.
* Disclaimer: All subjects mentioned in the above article is purely fictional and any resemblance to any person living or dead is pure coincidential.