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Satire

Local Hawker Talks About His Lontong Stall

Satire written by Siv

On our recent visit to check out the best lontong stall in Singapore, we went to Adam Road hawker center's Best 123 Lontong stall to check out their speciality Lontong which has been the talk of the neighbourhood for ages. We spoke to the owner of the stall, Ahmad Bruce bin Dickinson Ali, 56 who has been at the helms since the stall was first set up in July 1989. We asked him what were the secrets of his success, and he replied in malay, "Oh bradder we been here long time man, ever since the days when Iron Maiden and Metallica were still old skool la bradder, so I always had their albums playing in our old cassette player (circa 1960) near the stove blasting hits like "Trooper" and "Hallowed be thy name" and also the classic Metallica tracks like "Master of Puppets", the abangs loved it man they kept coming to the stall for more."

But then these bands haven't been active for some time, our reporters retorted, "Yes thats why now we tried playing music from bands like Korn and Linkin Park but the pakchicks and abangs all left after that saying that we became sellouts after our stall got featured in newspapers around the country. We felt really heartbroken but went on because we realised our new customers were the younger generation kids with weird dressing and even weirder hairstyles."

We spoke to one of these "kids", who wanted to be known only as Adam, his real name was Ahmad, and he told us that ever since the stall owner started playing newer stuff like Korn, him and his buddies from school wanted to check out the stall besides he heard that Ahmad Bruce's daughter was pretty hot.

We tried their speciality lontong and it really impressed us, all the ingredients were well blended with each other and the background music from Slipknot was enough to spice up the tastebuds as well as heat up the mood in the food center especially with next door, Mr Shah De Hel Hup's stall selling ice kachang. Mr Shah has been very bothered with the music coming from Mr Ahmad's stall the past few months that he made complaints to the town council and the police but to no avail. Mr Shah has also retorted to cheap dirty tricks like pissing into the gravy pot of Mr Ahmad's stall when nobody was looking and also trying to steal his customers by loudly exclaiming that ice kachang is the best antidote to super hot lontongs.

Mr Ahmad just laughed at it saying that Mr Shah was just a sore loser who never appreciated the rock scene and instead opted to listen to more commercial acts like rap and hip hop, he also called Mr Shah a poser, well definitely a colorful neighbourhood as we thanked him for the lontong and proceeded to give him the ratings needed, we also realised his lontong had a very special and weird taste or as our cameraman put it, "It tastes like piss mixed with coconut milk."

* Disclaimer: All subjects mentioned in the above article is purely fictional and any resemblance to any person living or dead is pure coincidential.
 
Copyright 2006 Pure Rock